April 9, 2026 · Desperate Survival

Best Table Moments

April 9, 2026

Quotable Quotes

“Not today. Or not this minute. Not this ten seconds.” - Caelum after Counterspelling the lich’s opening spell
“Bunch of zombies! And a big fucking lich! I think we found the problem.” - Caelum running out of the mausoleum
“I throw like a whore.” - Kimber on her throwing accuracy
“If I die, it won’t be because of the bad guys.” - Shirley after taking 53 fire from Idril’s arrow
“My luscious hair is gone.” - Caelum post-wildfire
“I don’t have to run faster than the zombies. I just have to run faster than the three nerdy zombies.” - Oggy’s survival strategy
“I don’t feel so good Mr. Stark.” - Oggy after nearly being Disintegrated
“But wait, there’s more! But wait, it gets worse!” - The table as Oggy’s Disintegrate damage keeps rolling
“I have never played a D&D match where so many people have died.” / “This is the only D&D match I’ve ever played.” - Shirley (Jose), reflecting on the chaos
“Is there just a pair of pants in the dust?” - Someone, imagining what’s left of a Disintegrated bugbear
“But don’t fuck it up.” - The table’s encouragement as Oggy rolls the special dice
“I was behind the stump.” / “I had to take a poop. That scared the crap out of me.” - Idril revealing he hid the entire fight
“The bad news is that a lich took it and shit the fuck out of me.” - Kimber on losing the crown
“The Lich does not go to work today, sir.” - Someone, on the lich refusing to cooperate
“Leaving Shirley to die.” / “It’s a strategy.” - The table reacting to Caelum Misty Stepping away after his Booming Blade hit
“How far should we go?” / “Fuck as far as possible.” - Caelum and Oggy planning their Dimension Door escape
“If only you guys had rescued Mano already.” - Hindsight on skipping that quest
“Save Mano. That’s our quest right now.” - Shirley, pivoting the campaign
“I was gardening on the day that I got teleported into this fucking garden. We’re lucky I was chopping a tree with my favorite battle axe.” - Shirley on his involuntary adventuring career
“We live another day. Barely. We are mostly mortal.” / “That means we’re partially immortal.” / “No, there’s no partially immortal. That’s the problem.” - Session closer

D&D Highlights

The narration was a smash hit. The “Previously on Mostly Mortals” ElevenLabs audio played at the table. Players loved it, want it every session, and suggested archiving them in a shared thread. “That voice is awesome.” Someone joked: “I was expecting something like, ‘the man said it was a nice job, but Dane lied.’”
Caelum’s Counterspell. The lich opens with 40 necrotic damage on a solo Caelum. “Wait, is that a spell? Can I Counterspell it?” “You should try.” Rolls 18, needing 11. “Not today.” The DM’s face was either “a smile of hope or of death.” If that fails, Caelum is probably dead before anyone can help.
Idril’s nat 20 Wildfire Arrow. Idril rolls a nat 20 (31 total) on the wildfire arrow shot into the oil-coated mausoleum. 70 fire damage doubled. All 11 zombies incinerated. Also catches Caelum and Shirley in the blast. Shirley takes 53 fire. “If I die, it won’t be because of the bad guys.” Caelum: “My luscious hair is gone.”
Caelum’s Booming Blade + Voltedge + Misty Step. Caelum runs in, hits the lich with Booming Blade + Voltedge (23 to hit, 17 damage), then Misty Steps 30ft back while staying in Counterspell range. “Leaving Shirley to die.” “It’s a strategy.” Clean hit-and-run.
DM rolls a nat 20 against Caelum. “Oh, the Dungeon Master got a natural 20.” “The price is wrong, bitch!” Shirley’s nose is getting bloodied up as the zombies pile on.
Song of Defense in action. Caelum burns a level 1 spell slot to reduce damage by 5. “Thanks for using that on me.” “I can’t do that on you.” A learning moment for everyone on how the Bladesinger feature works.
Oggy’s double dice miracle. Disintegrate hits Oggy. Nat 1 on the DEX save. Uses reaction for +4, still only 14. Not enough. “We don’t have a wish spell because we would have used it already.” The table votes: “But don’t fuck it up.” Special dice used ONCE. Not enough. Special dice used TWICE. “Roll your eight.” He needs 8 or higher. Survives. The entire table holding their breath. “Is there just a pair of pants in the dust?” Both special dice gone for next session.
The crown removal. DM narration: “As you watch as it is crowned, there are skull spikes coming out of her skull.” Three-foot bone fragments being pulled free. “I’ve seen guys with their guts out holding it, trying to put it back in.” Then: “It’s like David got what he wanted” (referring to Orion’s player wanting the crown destroyed). The lich puts it on and vanishes.
Shirley’s Indomitable. Paralyzed by the lich, failed the initial save. Uses Fighter’s Indomitable to re-roll with +10, getting 28. “We’re gonna fucking do that.” Breaks free through sheer willpower. But then: “My turn immediately ended. I was frozen today!”
Kimber’s bagpipes of desperation. Surrounded, about to die, Kimber’s last action: “I am going to… Panic. Play. Rescue me. On the bag.” “Did you play bagpipes? That was your decision?”
Idril behind the stump. While the entire party is fighting for their lives, fleeing a lich, and getting Disintegrated, Idril is hiding behind a tree stump. When the group regroups in town: “The fuck were you?” “I was behind the stump.” “Hello.” “I had to take a poop.”
The Dimension Door escape. Caelum grabs Oggy. “How far should we go?” “Fuck as far as possible.” “I’m going to say take us between Idril and Jason Bourne.” DM narrates: “As your brain deconstructs distance, the bones of the crown giggle, deeply cerebral.”
The console reboot. As the party realizes how badly things went: “This is one of those moments where on an old console you unplugged it.” “Yeah, because old consoles can handle being rebooted out of nowhere. New ones… Warning! I shut down wrong!”
Lich gang theory. “Is there a chance there’s another lich in one of these other ones, and we can, like, hope they’re not friends?” “Is he wearing red? We’ve got to go find the blue legs.” “The cryptid bloods.”

Table Culture (Non-D&D Gold)

Pre-game parking drama. “This Frenchman was taking my spot, and I waved to him, but he was like, driving his car like this.” “You know they have mirrors for backing up, right?” “Yeah, I like to do the good old fashioned way.”
Eulogy prep (before the game even starts). “I’m just going to start writing the eulogy.” “Are you a good eulogizer?” “I sure am. Especially if someone’s died from the black lung.” “What if they died in a big gasoline fight?” “In this economy?”
The inches conversation. During Shirley’s door-bashing: “Another four inches, buddy.” “You know why women can’t drive, right? Because they’ve been told six inches is everything.”
Naomi the measurer. “We had a friend who, if any guy she slept with, she would measure their dicks. Like, that was her kink.” “Can’t wait for that to be in the summary.” “Naomi, also ‘I moan’ backwards, measured penises.” “Where is she?” “Sauble Beach.”
The K-pop elf. “Very racist for an elf that’s obviously in a K-pop band.” “My character was there before K-pop was there, I think.” “Before I knew about K-pop, I knew I hated K-pop.”
The leather cat paladin. Someone’s Tuesday online game features a Tabaxi paladin who only wears leather armor. “The bridge of the cat god.” “Is it enchanted or enchanting?”
Shirley’s origin story. “I was gardening on the day that I got teleported into this fucking garden. We’re lucky I was chopping a tree with my favorite battle axe.” “It’s not a nice thing to call yourself.”
The construction scam. Discussing going back to the nun for more money: “I think that’s how they do it in construction.” “Actually, your floor is rotten. I’m sorry.”
The vegan roast. “He’s a vegan, so I don’t like him either.” “He’s not a vegan. He’s trying to save the vegans. Because we like him more.” “If we have to eat him, he has been grain-fed the entire time. We have raised him properly.”
Hockey tangent (mid-combat). Full Maple Leafs 90s roster breakdown. Andrew Chuck, Gilmore, Clarkson, Doug. “The Leafs in the 90s though, man.” “It’s never going to get better, unfortunately.” All while a lich is trying to kill them.
The Chumbawamba moment. Mid-combat, someone asks: “Is it a whiskey drink or a vodka drink?” “Chumbawamba.” “I don’t know what it is.”
Chicken balls intermission. Mid-combat snack break. “Oh yeah, I gotta cut my chicken balls.” “Your chicken balls?” “He’s gotta eat them one half a ball at a time?”
Switching languages. After a French slip: “I speak French all day. It’s really hard to switch.”