“This armor sucks! Waste of gold! It has done nothing good for me!” - Shirley, mid-pulverizing, re: the splint mail he bought May 7
“Still standing, motherfuckers!” - Shirley, after eating a 61-damage crit
“I fucking fall and die, and then my Relentless kicks in, and I’m back up, motherfucker.” - Shirley
“I am not Lord Farquaad, thank you very much.” - Orion, refusing to spend his men’s lives cheaply
“It’s called tactics. Some of us know how to use them.” - Orion, immediately heckled by Idril from the back: “I thought you knew tactics.”
“Right into his actual cheat code.” - Idril, narrating the killing arrow to the lich’s throat
“How do you want to do this?” - DM, handing Idril the lich kill
“Somewhere in the faraway realm, Shirley’s wife is really mad, but she doesn’t know why.” - the table, after the crit
“I’m gonna be Shirley’s heir.” - Jose, before the body was even cold
“I subscribe to the Ted Lasso lifestyle.” - Caelum, answering a panicked “CJBN, stay positive!”
D&D Highlights
The Self-Made Cage - Kimber’s Cloud of Daggers seals the cemetery entrance “for safety,” instantly trapping Shirley and Caelum inside with the horde. The best-laid plans.
The Frost Giant Crit - The frost giant zombie rolls a natural 20 on Shirley: 61 slashing. He answers with “Still standing, motherfuckers!”
Shirley’s Last Stand - Down, back up on Relentless Endurance, down again on death saves. Granted a heroic final action surge, he buries his greataxe in the giant’s belly as he collapses. Shirley dies a legend.
Steel Wind Strike - With Shirley down, Caelum flickers between five enemies at once, kills two zombies, and rides the spell’s teleport out the gate. For a guy named CJBN, he finally did something.
The Double Nat-20 - Orion softens Mexoz with Destone and two smites (~120 damage), then Idril ends seven hundred years of lich with two arrows: throat, then heart. Every zombie collapses with him.
Shattering the Crown - Orion brings Destone down on the Moonstone Crown. Purple light scatters, and behind Kimber’s eyes, the thing that once wore her, sparks. Destone’s work is done.
Table Culture (Non-D&D Gold)
“8 foot men” - the transcript-glitch gag that became canon: Orion’s footmen misheard as eight-feet-tall men. “They can carry your luggage, but they’re not going to be great in a fight.” It spiraled into a full WW2 cavalry-versus-tanks debate (Sevastopol, 1942).
Vampire / Twilight - “I sparkle in the daylight.” “He’s a twinkler.” The fix for the franchise: Buffy jumps in and murders them all.
Hockey - a desert gambling town with a hockey team, “won in 23,” two cups already and counting.
Golf - a Sunday round with the step-family, a firm policy against golfing with cops, and the life philosophy “if you’re going to suck, suck fast.”
Through Fire and Flames - the ogre zombie strolling out of the Wall of Fire, “Tony Robbins style, walk through the flames.”
Cleric or Khorne? - new-character brainstorming taking a hard left into “what’s the blood god.”
The Casting Couch - Shirley’s corpse up for a part: “You’re the corpse.” “I better get first billing.” “With that hair? That’s true.”
Foundry Fumbling - Jose locked in single combat with the virtual tabletop trying to draw a rectangle. “Square is not a rectangle.”