“The best way to make someone calm down is by dropping an anvil on their head. They’re really calm after that.” (pre-game)
“My watch says ‘you should calm down and take a few breaths.’ It clearly doesn’t know the right thing to say to a woman.” (pre-game)
“It’s the mummy version. Two shakes of Jack.” (the table reacting to its own “Previously on” narration voice)
“Where in the world is Cartman Sandiego?” (mutating all night into “where in time” and “in what plane is Cartman Sandiego?”)
“The new guy’s been here an hour and he’s shot two people already.” / “You’re dressed up as a zombie, you’re here to kill some zombies!” (on Wrathgar’s aim)
“Wrathgar. No D.” / “He had a D surgically removed, okay.” (the running name gag)
“It’s Rambo, but it’s radio.” (Caelum’s name morphing into “Radio”)
“Hey, Mega Brains, why don’t you just drop dead?” (Kimber insulting a zombie)
“Congratulations on disarming yourself.” (the DM, after Cartman’s nat 1 hands his sword to a zombie)
“Here, eat a berry.” (Goodberry) / “I call this bandage.” (Cure Wounds) (Wrathgar’s “my magic is just mundane stuff” flavor)
“He’s just rubbing a glass rod and fur together.” (Wrathgar on Caelum’s spellcasting)
“I’m letting them do all the hard work, then we come in and clean it up.” (Oggy on the two new players’ “audition”)
“I’m a cart manatee.” (Cartman, misheard)
“Let’s go, girls.” (Kimber leading shambling zombies toward the stairs, full Shania hair-toss)
D&D Highlights
Caelum’s electric exit. Bladesong + Voltedge lightning beam through two zombies, then Lightning Bolt at 3rd level, then Dom had to leave, so Caelum wandered off “to check the thunder” and vanished for the night.
Wrathgar’s Volley. Three arrows, one nat 1 buried in Caelum, then he yanks it out and bandages him (“my version of Cure Wounds”).
Orion Turns three. Holy light off his symbol, three zombies flee with their tails between their legs.
Cartman’s Sunblade fumble. Nat 1, the table collaboratively rules the zombie catches his flipped sword; he finishes it with an unarmed Divine Smite anyway.
Kimber’s can-can. Three corpse-disguised Kimbers link elbows in a chorus line, then she pied-pipers the real zombies toward the stairs.
The cliffhanger. Fresh undead are still rising even though Mexoz is dead, and the party descends into an underground catacomb to find out why.
Table Culture (Non-D&D Gold)
The Fabio saga - male Harlequin-cover model, smoked a goose with his face on a rollercoaster, “not a speck of goose shrapnel” on the models behind him, hair still glorious. “He’s had work done.”
The blood-oxygen bit - “your O2 is low, you’re basically walking dead,” and the smartwatch telling him to take a few breaths.
Muppets deep-dive - Michael Caine treated them like actors, Tim Curry treated himself like a Muppet, Miss Piggy is Tim Curry’s one true love.
RDJ / Tropic Thunder - never breaking character, “never go full Arbor.”
The 10-hour “I Miss You” loop - jukebox-trolling war stories, plus the “What’s New Pussycat” comedian bit and the accidental “Return to Innocence” jukebox streak.
Custom dice - blood-filled (turned brown), pink-with-gold-flakes, the “glazed donut” nails / Hailey Bieber tangent.
Men’s skirts have pockets / “stilettos are fluid” / women’s fashion isn’t always practical.
Soccer VAR / penalty-kick rules gripe, Marineland is closed (lions shipped out, “we have lions here in Quebec”), the missing wedding ring tangent, and a stray “unladen swallow” dropped mid-combat.
DM’s tangled timelines - his other campaigns share the world at different years, and events “fuck them over” retroactively.