July 16, 2026 · Comedic Dread
Cartman gets his Sunblade back off the floor, the zombie hand from July 2 still hanging off it like a charm. 26 to hit, 2d8+7, and he pushes the blade up through the skull until the head bursts.Strength 18, thirty feet, half a zombie. "Listen, if you hammer throw it, you can get it. It's lost a lot of weight while it's spinning."Rolling at ADVANTAGE, Cartman puts both dice on 1. The table deliberates: broken wrists, The Mummy, soiled armor. Verdict: back thrown out and armor locked. He fights at half for the rest of the night.Perception 24 on the dwarven statue. The hammer snaps off, and underneath the stone there is flesh. He was not carved. He was petrified.They killed him on June 4. It has not been a full day. The lich walks back in wearing the ghost of the crown Orion shattered.Kimber upcasts Counterspell to 5th and meets and beats it. "Not today," delivered with the tongue pop.Cloudkill at NINTH level. 58 on a fail, 29 on a save, DC 20. Caelum passes, then burns a 3rd-level slot on Song of Defense to shave off 15. Fourteen damage taken.Blindsight makes the poison irrelevant. Oggy lands 61 in one turn, forces a DC 30 concentration check, and disengages before the gas can answer.21 to hit, third-level smite, 33 damage. Concentration breaks, the cloud dies with it, and the hammer comes down overhead until the bones give.55 platinum, 800 gold in diamonds, nine satchels of gems, one suit of maybe-cursed armor, and a second Moonstone Crown. Kimber, immediately: "Definitely fucking not." 
