“Mexoz is back. Shady’s back.” / “Is he slim?” (the lich’s entrance, immediately Eminem)
“Not today.” (Kimber’s Counterspell, delivered with an Alyssa Edwards tongue pop)
“I’m glad I didn’t spend a Counterspell on that shit.” (on the 9th-level Cloudkill)
“He’s like, how dare you? I’ll show you who’s boss. Sit, bitch!” (why Mexoz upcast so hard)
“Dual ones! He breaks both wrists. That is what we call karma!”
“So you’re just thumbs guy now.” (one proposed consequence for Idril)
“Don’t cast Harm on undead, it’ll heal them.” / “That would be metagaming, Orion.”
“Well, it’s like I did nothing now.” (Kimber, after healing the lich for 54)
“Maybe all he needed was to be healed. He had a splinter between his toes.”
“I would like to… run away? No. Never. I would like to sidle.”
“Classic Idril.” / “Classic Ember.” / “He picked up that Tremaine trait.”
“Are you a Tyrannosaurus Rex optometrist?”
“The new guy’s been working for Mexoz this entire time.” (Wrathgar’s hatchet miss)
“At least it wasn’t an arrow.” (Orion, taking 46 from his own bard)
“Wait, all of this for three damage?” (the Dagger of Returning)
“I lay on hands, 55 HP. I feel much better and I have an erection.”
“Definitely fucking not. You didn’t use it when I gave it to you, and you’re not getting it back.” (Kimber, meeting the new crown)
“Heavy was the crown, because somebody kept fishing all the time.”
“Start writing shit down, because I am not fucking repeating it.” (the DM, itemizing the hoard)
“Nothing bad has ever happened to this party because of cursed armor.”
“I already woke up in one of those. I’m not getting back into one.” (Cartman, offered a coffin to sleep in)
“A new hand has touched the beacon.”
D&D Highlights
Cartman’s double natural 1. Rolling at advantage on a sarcophagus lid, both dice come up 1. The table spends five minutes collaboratively sentencing him: broken wrists, the dryer, The Mummy dominoes, soiled armor. Final ruling: throws his back out AND his armor locks, so he cannot straighten his torso. “Everything’s at half” for the rest of the night.
The statue is a person. A perception 24 on the dwarven warrior reveals flesh under the stone. He was petrified, not carved. Two sockets flank him, one icosahedral and one triangular, and neither takes the hammer they just broke off him.
Mexoz returns in under a day. The stone grinds, and the lich they killed on June 4 walks back in wearing a ghostly after-image of the crown Orion shattered.
Kimber Counterspells, then heals him for 54. She stops one spell cold, then casts Harm on an undead and hands the HP straight back. “It’s like I did nothing.”
Mexoz upcasts Cloudkill to 9th level. The table argues 9th-level spell economics for five solid minutes until someone notices it lasts ten minutes and re-triggers every turn: “Now this spell is good.” The mood flips from skeptical to frightened in one sentence.
Oggy fights blind inside the poison. Blindsight means the cloud is no obstacle. 61 damage in one turn, forcing a DC 30 concentration check, then a bonus-action disengage.
Cartman’s 52-damage swing. 22 to hit at advantage, 3rd-level Divine Smite, 5d8 against undead, all radiant, then Misty Step straight out of the gas.
Orion ends it, then gives it all away. 21 to hit, another 3rd-level smite, 33 damage, hammer down overhead until the bones give. Then he empties his entire 55-point Lay on Hands pool into Caelum, taking him 15 to 70.
Table Culture (Non-D&D Gold)
Retro console archaeology - Tron, Coleco, “we upgraded to a Commodore after,” and the closer: “I upgraded my Coleco to a calculator.”
The T-Rex vision debate - hold still and it can’t see you, met with “Real T-Rexes had insanely good eyesight” and “maybe this is a Tyrannosaurus from 1993.”
Ghostbusters and the Sedgwick Hotel, three consecutive *“Thanks, Shaggy”*s, and someone landing on “It’s multiple mortals” (the campaign’s own name, by accident).
Soccer grievance hour - Toronto-Montreal 0-0, “a game can go on for 45 minutes and nobody scores.”
The rug of strangulation - a player genuinely died on one, the fix was time travel, and it produced a paradox with two of the same person.
Disturbed vs Simon and Garfunkel, plus a Daughtry vocal-range tangent.
The chocolate bar eaten with a knife and fork.“That is a fucking first.” / “It’s easier to get the nuts in your mouth.”
The French farmhouse mishearing.
Cursed armor becomes tassels, whips and pasties, then the inverse-armor-rating theory of video game women’s armor.
The socket innuendo arc, running from “stick the head thingy in the orifice” all the way to “if you need a hand, I’ve never had any complaints.”
An anchor as a martial weapon. A former player took proficiency in one.