Quotable Quotes

• “Santa’s not real. Bye!”: Kimber, after persuasion 18 destroys William’s emotional foundation. Slams door immediately. Table reaction: silence, then “Jesus bloody Christ. That went all sorts of dark.”
• “Congratulations, you have just made a small family cry.”: DM, deadpan, after the children scene lands.
• “Lich to lich, bro.”: Greeting at the blacksmith. Pure chaos.
• “You’re as shallow as a lunar mud puddle.”: Said to Kimber after she declared the Jubilee crossbow was her new entire reason for living since losing the crown.
• “You are the only French person I fucking enjoy being around.”: Dave (DM), to Dom. Affectionate roast of the Québécois-turned-Ontarian at the table.
• “I have amnesia, not cancer, but whatever.”: Caelum to Sister Helwin. Kicks off the running cancer joke.
• “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning, buddy.”: Idril (Cary) to Caelum (Dom) at the morning bar.
• “Behold the field in which I throw my fox and see that it is barren.”: Misheard “I grow my fucks.” Stayed misheard.
• “I am Maeve. Maeve? Maeve Sanchez. Maeve Sanchez? No, it’s good, good, good, Maeve Sanchez.”
• “The snail will not let you mount. The racist one.”: Racist snail callback. Now firmly canon.
• “He goes to a place called MI6. You have to drive a Porsche.”: Bald jokes spiral.
• “That sucks for the devil. That sucks for Torvaris, because he’s much lower level than fucking Caelum.”
• “You can do that in any game, any edition, if you’re brave enough. And your DM is fucking twisted enough.”: On bear-fucking in Baldur’s Gate 3.

D&D Highlights

1. The Mexoz Valaryn Lore Drop

Sister Helwin reads the tome aloud. Table goes quiet for the first time. Caelum learns the lich’s backstory in detail, born under a blood-red comet in the empire of Serath-Kul, expelled for soul experiments, 40 years on the Black Pilgrimage searching for forbidden knowledge, found The Ebon Gospel fragments with the final pages missing. Immediately followed by Caelum’s history check failing at disadvantage (rolled 3 and 5). Lore is gold. Caelum knows nothing.

2. Kimber Terrorizes William and Siblings

Persuasion 18 against three children. “Every time she hugs you and tells you that you’re a good kid, she’s lying.” “Santa’s not real. Bye!” Slams door. Table: “Jesus bloody Christ. That went all sorts of dark.” Orion silently walks out to find a guard.

3. Orion’s Vengeance

The Paladin of Vengeance, silent for ~2 hours, makes his single move of the session: reporting his own party member to a city guard. Investigation 13 at advantage. Files harassment + stalking charges. Defining character beat. “I will have nothing to do with this” → goes and does the thing.

4. The DM’s Nat 20

Random event roll on the long rest comes up natural 20. Result: rowdy band downstairs. Most consequential nat 20 of the night and it’s a band gig.

5. The Band’s Third Arms

Shirley stealth 24, drops Mysterious Unlabeled Potion. d6 = 5 (hit all 4 band members + 1 fan). All 5 grow third arms. “Did you make the band better or worse?” The drummer thrives. The lute player loses his mind.

6. Mexoz vs. Osmo’s

DM tries to give the lich’s name. Party absolutely cannot stop comparing it to “Osmo’s” (real local restaurant). “M-E-X-I-C-O, right?” “M-E-X-O-Z.” “OZ? Like Osmo’s?” “I’m getting Osmo’s when I get home.” DM patience visibly degrading. The name is canon: Mexoz.

7. Shirley’s Armor Negotiation

Shirley tries to buy splint mail like he’s at a wine shop. “From the summer of 1322?” “Get one from last summer’s bottle.” “Armor doesn’t work that way. You have to spend about a year to make it.” Eventually settles for vintage 2025 splint mail, AC 17, 75 gold.

8. The Hero’s Feast Bartender

Caelum tries to convince the inn bartender to cast Hero’s Feast on him for breakfast. “I think you might. Are you going to pay extra?” “One level in actually cleric.” Then immediately: “I think you’ve spent enough party gold recently, pal.” Hero’s Feast denied.

Table Culture (Non-D&D Gold)

The Affectionate Quebec Roast

Dave (DM) and the table spend the session ribbing Dom for being the Québécois-turned-Ontarian. “You are the only French person I fucking enjoy being around.” Includes:

• A player’s wedding war story about a Québécoise ex who asked for “a break” then went on a date that same night (“There’s something fucking pre-planned there”)
• “He came to Ontario. You put the H where there is no H”, Ontario “drop the H” jokes
• The “do not cross the border into Haiti” warning
• The Punta Cana / “Punta Canada” vacation arc, every TV in the Dominican Republic resort playing the Blue Jays World Series
• Montreal pothole jokes that “swallow your fucking truck”

The tone is warm ribbing, not anti-Quebec. Dom is the lone Québécois at the table being adopted into the Ontario fold. Defines the table dynamic.

The Bald Trajectory

Half the session opens with multi-thread bald jokes. One player describes reviewing security footage at his store and not realizing the bald patch was his own. “That was the day you decided? When you reviewed CCTV?” Evolves into Aston Martin model names (“Either the Vanquish or the DB9”), MI6 haircuts (“You have to drive a Porsche”), reverse man buns, and “the manliest bun” framework where you tie hair down and “still run around naked” (it would be invisible regardless).

Toronto Pothole Pride

“There’s somebody in Toronto that fills potholes himself when the city’s too slow.” “People start growing stuff up inside the potholes. Cars going over fast enough, you don’t have to worry about it getting destroyed.” Civic engagement, Canadian style.

The Bear-Fucker Statistic

Apparently 20% of people who play Baldur’s Gate 3 fuck the bear. “You mean assistance?” “Bear-fucker!” Becomes a callback that runs the entire session. Followed by extended discussion of multiplayer inventory griefing: “I often like to pick up garbage and put it in my friend’s inventory so they’re over-equipped.”

Bethesda Patch Cycles

“That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” “It’s not a bug, it’s a fucking badge. Community badge.” Quick stand-up routine about Bethesda games and Toronto road repair.

The Spaghetti Monster Pantheon

When Sister Helwin explains the gods don’t deal with liches, the table invents “the Flying Spaghetti Monster special” and “the Pen-ay monster” (Penne, the bargain pasta monster). DM confirms: Flying Spaghetti Monster exists, is neutral, doesn’t deal with liches.

”Cancer” Becomes a Running Gag

Started by Caelum’s “I have amnesia, not cancer.” Escalated through Lubriderm rashes (“Apparently Lubriderm gave Dave a rash on his elbow ditch”), “first character in my campaign to die from skin cancer,” ending with “Dom doesn’t have cancer. While you’re waiting for those test results, just think positive.”

D&D Beyond Party Inventory Tutorial

Mid-session derail where the DM teaches the party to refresh and use the party inventory feature. “There’s a button on your computer called F5. You should press it sometimes.” Real-time tech support inside the game.

The Non-D&D Gold Quote

“The manliest bun is when you can go down, tie it around, and you can still run around naked. Nobody’s seen it. I can run around naked and nobody will see it anyway. Sorry, was that out loud?”